unknown

It’s all a facade

Broken

D

O

W

N

Any strength I show

It’s all a facade

Everything is turned around

Won’t you turn around?

I.G.N.O.R.E.

because…

It’s all a facade.

The smile,

the laugh,

with absolutely no vulnerability 

Look in my eyes-  [now, carefully]

Why can’t you see?

It’s all fear

upon fear,

THAT’S MY REALITY.

Lost Words

So, I’m taking a creative writing class and I’m pretty proud of this piece. Enjoy! 

The caress of your hand upon my spine is breathtaking. The wind rushes past as you carry me away. We travel together to distant lands and adventure. Our romance is one that is eternal. Weightless, you take me as puffs of air brush my face as you slowly breathe in and out. You have been good to me. Taking the time to understand my lines and always excited to see me again.  We have had a short relationship but we already know the facets of one another’s mind. As you look in to my heart, I walk naked through the tangled webs of your dreams and deepest desires. Sometimes when I open up anew to you; a shocking new discovery or a revelation of some tragic history will tighten your grip. I relish it. I know you will never let me go- unlike the one before.

The one I knew before was angry and distant. He struggled to understand my whims. It hurt me. It hurt me so much, the pain seared through as he rubbed his cigarette butt on me. Is that my true value? He claimed that I was unbelievable- but really, it was he. His hard stares and rough hands- throwing me about, when I hit the ground it would knock me silly. When he apologized, it was never for the right thing. When he decided to donate me, in the beginning I was afraid, then it grew into a strange high- freedom. That anvil chained to my existence, now gone, lets me rest deeply.

After the first one let me go, I sat still, untouched, and slightly broken for what seemed like ages. I would sit in my head, mulling over the things I might have done right or wrong. I wanted love and gained hate. I longed for purity and only have a ravished heart. I wished I could cry or run away from myself- but alas, it seems to me, that the only thing you can run from are the frayed edges of sanity. I had blurry visions of a future when the touch of a human being wouldn’t send me into convulsions of dismay and fear. Hopes of knowing and being known without the feelings of shame dragging me to the ice cold ocean floor like the carcasses of sea life to be eaten by the bottom dwellers.

Joy was found the day you discovered me. Your mouth wrinkled as the edges reached your ears. “At last” you whispered. As you rubbed the dust off my leather cover and felt my smooth, gold tinted edges I felt all weariness and despair lift and float away with the dust particles. Unblinkingly you skimmed through every line inside of me. It was then I felt you knew me before I was ever written.

Ode to Sarah

I’ve been wanting to write something for a while now. I’ve just felt blocked because I want to write purely about pure things. I was coming up dry until  I realized my friendships are probably one of the purest things I know. So here goes a mini series of certain people who have wedged a way into my heart. The first chosen: Sarah. 

       

Sarah MaGharah at her finest.

Sarah MaGharah at her finest.

 

     You are the lover of all things quirky. The girl who buys things based on cute packaging (if it has a panda or cat= sold!) or out of plain curiosity. There is nothing off limits- no creative urge untouched. You are daring in the face of oddity and secretly courageous through your everyday life.

We would not be friends if you hadn’t pursued my friendship- if you hadn’t kept chatting with me through Facebook and listening to me rant about the injustice of the world. Thank you. Thank you so much for wanting to be my friend.

Living with you these past eight months is a treasure. I will never forget our special moments like: rushing to our 8am classes (more like 8:20 or why bother classes). Our nights of watching Adventure Time while sharing aghast looks of “Did that really just happen?!” and staying up until 2am discussing God and life. You are hilarious- making me laugh so hard I literally fall on the ground in hysteria. You are fascinating because of your slight obsession with herbal remedies (hence 20 things of tea we have). Intriguing because of your heart for Israel, talented in languages.  Frankly, you’re pretty great. 

I still find him unbelievably creepy.

I still find him unbelievably creepy.

 

You have stood by me through everything with a smile- forgiving every insane thing I do (like smashing vases with hammers- let’s just say it is fun and a huge stress reliever!). You have loved me in every unlovable moment. You are one of the most compassionate people I know and the ultimate sass-cat. The things that make you all the youness of you are the most beautiful things of all.  May our superhero theme song never end and our adventures last forever. Bah du ba ba baaaaa!!! I love you Miss Sarah MaGharah.

I’m a Disposable Napkin

I’m a disposable napkin

Four corners crushed full of fear

I’m bent and I’m bruised,

I wipe and I scrub- 

deteriorating along the way.

I’m a disposable napkin. 

If you squeeze tight enough

I might shed a tear.

Use me up! Throw me away!

“Disposable” is my middle name. 

 

Dancing Glory

Dancing Glory
hiding behind a filtered screen,
a blurry vision of something more,
a vague idea,
with large implications.
Reaching but a window,
a one-way mirror-
reflecting a torn representation of Truth
known in heart but only meeting
the outside of the mind.
To be true and fair
with full understanding
of a larger life lived
in a beautiful image
of a GREATER hope,
a dream that will someday be realized.
In a non-box reaching above
what an arm can stretch.
From the east to west
an explosion of fierce and
humbling fireworks of
the beauty of our earth’s Foundation.

Without love

I love books. In junior high I think I averaged 10 books a week- and that’s not even an exaggeration- my local library didn’t hold much for me after that so my reading slowed down a bit once I got into high school. Now that I’m in college most books I read are Christian books about God and God things, which is good, but sometimes after reading them I finish more confused about my relationship with God than I did going in to it. Recently I read a book called “Anything” by Jennie Allen. It was well written, moving, and definitely worth reading. The only thing that bothered me was that she kept talking about how we need to be willing to do anything for God- including leaving our cute homes with pretty curtains behind to step out in faith and do something outside of our comfort zone. 

You’re probably wondering, “well what’s wrong with that? We DO need to step out of our comfort zones!” 

Which is totally and COMPLETELY true. Except, for someone like me, stepping into those cute houses with pretty curtains would be out of my comfort zone, and completely out of my desires. I want nothing to do with homemaking and having five children, and I especially don’t want to stay in America. I long to live overseas; learning about other cultures and languages, giving whatever gifts I have to those communities and receiving so much more from the gift of serving and loving those people. So the problem I’ve come across in books such as “Anything” is that I question if I’m stepping out in faith in anything in my life, because those things are already ingrained in my heart. The phrase “stepping out in faith” conveys so much. Faith is the hope in the unseen, that God is who he says he is and is mighty to save his people. So stepping out, believing that God is fully who he says he is and he will provide for you where you are. It’s good. It’s so good. 

Except. 

Recently I have been crushed, because God has revealed to me that nothing I have ever done “for him” has been “for him”. What I mean is that I go to church, I join community groups and college Christian fellowships. I have gone overseas “stepping out in faith” and I have returned to the states stepping back in faith. But what I lacked was love. 

What I lack is pure, unadulterated, love for my God and my Savior. What I lacked was stepping out in LOVE for my Lord. 

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

 

If I step out of America without love for God I am just a clanging symbol. If I step into an orphanage without love for God I am nothing. If I am willing to die for what I believe is right, but I don’t have love for God, I gain nothing. 

Faith moves mountains, but love is the force of change; it is your love of God that is the key to unlocking the beautiful soul God intended you to be. I don’t just want to do something because it is the Christian thing to do, or because it’s the next step in my walk of faith, I want to do reckless, normal, crazy, mundane, God-ordained things, because I love God enough to give it all. Then I am free to do anything.